Questioning myself

Lately, and maybe this is a question that must be borne as a natural burden of any Quixotic battle; lately, I ask myself "why?" I guess it's healthy to second guess my motivations and my determination and my commitment to seeing through the frustration of the immigration process. As the weeks and now months are passing since the end of my relationship, I ask myself, do I want to go through this on my own because she couldn't hold on with me? To prove to Her that I can hold on alone? If that's true, then it's not a healthy motivation. I can't do this thinking that seeing it through will win her back, or will change anything now between us. I need to remember that love is between two people and true love cannot be torn apart. I need to remember that this was about us, but now it's about simply me, my life, my future, my choice. Why do I choose Canada? I need to read my own blogging...

Canada still makes intellectual and emotional sense to me. I don't feel at home in the US anymore. I haven't for a long time. I don't much care for this society and what it stands for. This isn't an anti-Bush thing. We are all responsible for the state of this nation. We have ruined it. We have created what I see as a hateful, suspicious, self-centered and self-serving culture, bloated on fast food, fast living, slow dying, with no concept of what the words "liberty" and "justice" mean. We are unforgiving, but cling to a national Christianity. We would rather jail our population than help them. For those who have been jailed, there is no hope of rehabilitation - too expensive - only hope of livng the rest of their lives in a permanent underclass. And then we wonder why we continue to see crime problems.

I could go on and on, but tonight's entry is more about reminding myself "why." I do want a new life in a new country. I know Canada has it's own troubled history and it's not perfect. But Canada still has more hope of being what America once dared of aspiring to than America will ever have again.